DAN
" You, remember, Danny? Forgive me for even asking he's the scrawny kid in your psych class. The one with acne. Well, guess what, your young self is cooking one of her brilliant plans, again."
"Last meeting, our lecture was cut short with Borderline Personality Disorder. One of the personality disorder which is prevalent yet widely unknown. Why? Because some never get themselves diagnosed though they exhibit multiple symptoms. They often feel depress and empty. Most of the time, they find themselves in a black and white situation. Which means what?" My hands had mind of their own as it raised in need of attention and recognition for excellence. I needed it equally with the additional points for my academic standing.
Miss Gilda gave me that familiar and respectable smile. "Yes, Rei?"
"It's Deserei, ma'am. Black or white situation is marked by which a person views things as either good or bad. They never perceive the situation to be neutral. Always at its best or worst possible state. A pretty common psychological defense, in my opinion." Proud of myself, I resumed typing the powerpoint content flashed in the projector.
"Right! And have you experienced this before?" My fingers froze midway to the unexpected follow-up question.
"As a matter of fact, ma'am Gilda, Yes! I am one of the few people certain about everything. I always label things as beneficial which I would not give away. Or destructive, to be disposed of with no second thoughts. But that is a product of my ambitions and pursuance of excellence. None of which exhibit defense. I am pretty sure I have overflowing self-love and confidence." I said, aiming to impress without being too sincere about it.
"Very insightful, Miss Loyola." For a few seconds, her eyes never left me. Her eyes squinted like they were weighing something mandatory. Well, of course, anyone will be amazed of me. Even I could not help but praise and worship myself sometimes. I am just an extraordinary woman in a world full of bimbos with zero Intellectual Quotient.
"Borderline Personality disorder is marked by the fear of abandonment. A very good phrase to summary is, I hate you don't leave me. This basically summarized how they deal with relationships. They push people away, yet feel abandoned and betrayed upon being left behind. Their mind is a maze, and no one could never fully know them. Because their reaction to situations is unstable. So they often find arguments from small things and they can transform it into a big fight. And they are pretty impulsive. The act upon what entertains them without considering the consequences." I groaned upon realizing I neglected to record her voice. And no matter what perfect I seem to be I have few lapses like forgetting to record the lecture and a sluggish typewriter. I have no choice but to engage in a "delightful" conversation with my pawn.
"Dan," I called unto him quietly. His eyes flashed with joy and adoration. His hands tried to cup his face, trying to hide the crimson splayed all over his cheeks. As if I was stupid enough not to figure the science of it all. Yes, Danny that sure is your blood vessel dilating and flooding your face with blood. Let us give credit to your sympathetic nervous system, way to go for making your acne filled face blushed.
"Desirei," he said loudly and nervously, causing Miss Gilda to give a second glare. I rolled my eyes for his stupidity.
"Did you happen to record the beginning of the lecture?" he nodded awkwardly. "Do you mind sending it to my email? You still have my email address with you, right?"
He nodded, "Of course, I'll send it to you later. Yes, Tia wants access to my transe, as well… " My right eyebrow arched upon his stupid query.
"What did I tell about being too nice, our dear Danny. You'd end up being abused. You would be preyed upon."
"Sorry, sorry." I smiled at him.
"Thanks, Dan. And don't forget what I told you. Make an academic account where all the transes and assignments are there, okay? And give me access to it. Your brother's a lawyer, right? Ask for his previous paper works, too! Okay?"
ELENA
"People never change. Once a garbage always a garbage. Feel blessed for having to no longer tolerate such lowlife. She has been punished for having such a weak flesh."
My eyes welled up with tears to find more of my messages and calls unanswered. My anger was turning into a bonfire I just want to burn her with it. She knows how impatient I am, And she has the audacity to ignore me? I gritted my teeth and placed my cellular phone on my pocket.
I resumed nibbling my roasted steak even if my appetite was not up for it. She is no great loss. I have many friends whose way smarter and useful than her. If she thinks I care about her then she is even more stupid than I expected.
"Rei, Jemma called me a while ago. She's asking you to come visit, Elena." My hands turned pale as I clutch my fingers harder and harder.
"What about her? She's been missing classes for almost a week now. I assume she's officially given up on her future, it's like she ever stood a chance for a bright future. She had nothing but her lipstick and fake boobs. Where would that take her? Maybe she could be work in a brothel, someday. Because she sure likes collecting boys and sleeping with them." my parents exchanged a dismayed look like they were at some kind of deep and secret conversation with their eyes speaking. I wanted to smack the table and scream at them. They sure are crowned the worst parents ever. They always find things to scrutinize me about. They always try to control me, even if I was way smarter than both of them combined. There is no way they could no the best thing for me. Only I make the right and smart decisions. They are nothing but emotional and unworthy. Maybe they should have had Elena as a child and not me. Because they definitely belong to the same intellectual deficiency.
" Rei, visit your friend, okay? She's on a rough time. I tried to ask what's it about. But they wanted Jemma to be the ones to talk to you." My frustration just multiplied even more. First, she ignores my calls. And now she demands me to visit her and waste my precious time.
"Well, tell them that if I am needed for something. They come to me not the other way around. We do not share the same value for time. My time is precious, I am on the verge of making myself a successful lawyer. Maybe she could get herself some booze and cigar, that's all she's god about.
My mother groaned before beginning her "Rei, she is your friend. Clearly, something happened between you two. But you have to learn to humble yourself at times. No one gets the privilege to be right and superior all the time." No one but me! "Pack some of your clothes. And we'll take you to her, okay? Spend the weekend with her. You've friends ever since you were in your diapers. Don't let your pride throw that away. Elena is a nice kid, she's just taking a toll to some challenges, okay?" I tried to feel indifferent. And yet deep inside I feel the pain setting its torn on my chest, like stabbing me was the only way it could fulfill its purpose. Well, done. I am not immune to these things after all. Parents who understand other people more than their daughter. They never figured something is not right with me. They should have been the first ones to know, even before I did. I was literally brought to this world from their combined hard work. But they are always too busy posting an update to social media of how fake smiles could equate to a happy family, how they always give a damn about others but never take a time to ask me if I were okay.
…
My door flew open even without my approval. One of the reasons why I wanted to have a place of my own. I never had decent privacy here. They pay for the bills, enough to make them feel like they have access to everything. They do not have the right to invade my privacy.
I gathered the netbook in my hand. And dump it to my backpack along with my other goods. I have been to Elena's house a million times, so I am always sure of what to bring.
"Rei, be gentle with your friend, okay?" My dad kissed me in the cheek and gave a gentle nod to Tita Jemma. The later collected me to her arms and gave me a tight embrace. It felt warm and assuring, yet I could not help but notice her foul odor. It takes hundreds of cholesterol to sweat and smells like that.
"Elena's in her room. She just got back from the hospital." And when I thought I could never feel more betrayed. Was I not her most favored friend? Why was I not informed? Did she tell Fella or Gina? Was I the only one to be unaware? She better tell me, or I might smack her face with my backpack with 5 kilos of my goods.
Tita Jemma gripped on my right arm like she was partially embracing it before she walked me to Elena's room. We stopped just in the front door. She smiled at me before leaving me wondering of how much of a weirdo she was.
"Elena, this is Desirei! I am your supposed friend you have forgotten about." I uttered sardonically. I am pissed off. She better be dying or I am going to strangle her myself. I swung the door open and found her lying in her side. Our eyes met and she instantly flooded with tears. My heart warmed and all my anger disappeared. She misses me. She has not abandoned me, after all. All the negative thoughts about her disappeared in thin air. This is the Elena I vowed to be my maid of honor, someday.
I jumped next to her and we enveloped each other into a nice and long hug. I wanted to tell her how much I miss her. And how I was angry. And how much I felt betrayed for her actions. But I remembered how we always conclude to this. She never gets mad at me. I always get angry every time she disappoints me. And I never see understand her side, even if sometimes I was aware I was being unreasonable.
"Rei, I'm pregnant." my hands fell from her back. My tears stopped dropping for longing. I take a deep breath and felt the rage consuming me. I want to hit her and pull her hair until she ends up begging me to stop. I want to kill her. I wish I have never met her. I was I never chose her a friend. She was nothing but a disappointment. "Rei, say something. I need you right now." I grimaced and pulled away. I sat and so did she. I made sure we were facing each other and are looking at each other at eye level.
"I was right about you, Elena. You are such a slut. Pregnant at nineteen? What were you thinking? You could barely contribute to the betterment of society. And you chose to add another burden? I cannot believe you. You are going to stain my name. What would they say about me for having a friend like you? You would cause me great shame. Give that baby up." she sobbed loudly and slapped me in the face.
"You are a monster, Rei. You never grow up. Everything's just about you right? I am in this mess and you manage to make it about you. This is why I never wanted to tell you. You wouldn't understand."
"I never will, you were privileged enough to be at my company. And you should have known how disgusted I am with teenage mothers. They are nothing but a curse to society. I am not a monster. I bear the truth of how you would raise your child to be just like you. Nothing but a follower to its carnal callings. You cannot just be satisfied with jumping from one boy to another, huh? You have to sleep with them, too?"
"You know that I only love Greg. We may have problems, But I always end up choosing him. He's willing to support our baby."
"Then, where is he now?" she was silent. She knows my implications are true. Greg is not a man of words nor honor. He was never going to settle for her. "Congrats, Elena. You got yourself a lovechild."
"Don't say that. Greg's going to marry me. He loves me." She tried to sound convincing.
"I am sure he loves you, along with the twenty other girls. Good luck with your endeavors. Consider this the last time we see each other. Good luck and please rot in hell."
I made myself comfortable by booking a grab and getting myself home. My parents were out of town for months. They always leave at times, that I need them. They are so talented in making me feel more alone. I hopped into my bed. I dig my fingers in my palm, desperate to feel this pain, in the hope to make this misery disappear.
"Desirei, why are crying for that lowlife? She's a good riddance okay? You are better off without her. Stop feeling for her, okay? That animal is no longer a moment as soon as she engaged in pre-marital sex. You won't ever forgive her, okay? Her disgrace could affect you. You don't what that, right? The bright side, you are free from another toxic person in your life. Imagine the time you could be wasting even more by just hanging out with her. Stop thinking about and just silently pray for her to die alone and in misery, okay?" I searched for my phones in the pool of things I never got to use for a supposed sleepover.
Hi, Rei!
Please talk to me. I need you the most at this point. Don't get at me, please? A lot's been going on all, already. I have been through a lot the past few weeks. And it has changed me. But I am still the Elena you know.
I forcibly type back a reply. Now she has the nerve to try to get in touch. She made a fool out of me. I am not at her disposable. I would not fall for her tricks like I would ever pity her, I disgust her. And I have no ounce of respect for her. Even when we were friends, I have always thought lowly of her. She was nothing like I wanted her to be, like I am. She just dances along the way of life. All she ever care about is being happy and having the time of her life. She is a failure in the making. And I never stop warning her about how her actions would lead her to her grave. But she never takes my words as fact. She gives me a nonchalant pat in the back like I was way overreacting. Look where she got herself into.
Hi, Elena!
Like I said, go to hell! Your misery would be nothing but a source of my amusement. And proof of how I am smart enough to predict your dull future. Way to go, mate. Thank you for not taking any more of m precious time. I hope this is the last I hear of you. Except for those in social media and gossips about how you wasted away in permanence!
I hit sent. I hate her. How dare she abandon me? I pulled out my netbook from the backpack. I am not going to let her attract more negative energy for me. I am an attractive woman. And her negative vie would give me wrinkles and misfortunes. I am going to channel to something productive, journaling.
EMELIA AND KELVIN
"I forget the truth, every time, I am happy with Chico. But I've always slapped with the truth of how no one could handle me. "
"I am seeing someone. He's a brother of my thesis partner. Yep, Gia. " my father temporarily stop from knifing his spare ribs. He nodded at mother, and she let out an exhausted smile. Bravo, father. Always leaving your mess, and letting women clean. What happened to feminism. Women should allow men to oppress them. It is time fightbacks and tell them who the real boss is. Giving birth is hardcore enough. That is proof enough of how you are stronger and more respectable than me. And there is no way for them to know that if you are acting all inferior. "He's a senior. Working for an airline or something." I often see him fetch Gia from school. And I never really paid too much attention. He was quiet yet charming. His eyes seemed to be brooding all the times. Gia and I would often sleep on each other's house to comply with thesis writing, writing about improper garbage disposal by millennial and the vicious character behind it. Chico was a caring older brother, asked for my number to ask Gia's doing, one thing led to another. And now we have been officially dating for 2 months now. He courted me for like four months.
"Really, Rei. I am happy for you. But I thought you have no plans of engaging to such commitments yet. You are starting Law School this August. Are you sure you could juggle both at the same time? Your father and I do our very best to support your needs, Rei. Please do not let it go to waste." I sensed the familiar betrayal and anger toward them. How dare they try to lecture me? I have volition.
"Mother, what happened to my graduation?" I said with a smile, emphasizing every single syllable. She eyed me confusingly. "What awards did I receive?"
"Summa cum laude," she answered cautiously.
"And what happened to my license exam? Did I just become a licensed Accountant? No, I did not. I top notched the exam. I became the pride of my university. So the next time you lecture me about excellence. Better shut your mouth. Because you do not know what you are talking about. Okay? And I never ask your permission. I am simply stating a fact, In case you see him and wonder. It's an unexpected love, my dear parents. I Consider this to be my only vice." They never fail to remind me of how they are the worst parents out there. Never once ask stop to tell me whether I feel fine. They never notice how I cried myself to sleep, stressed out for my demanding academic duties. If bet if I were gone they would never even notice. All they care about is themselves. How perfect they appear to their relative. Always complaining about my academic expenses. Yet always offering themselves to be extorted money.
F: Maybe, there's something beyond what you know. They're still gonna fund law school. That says something.
M: Of course, they'd agree. I forced them to it. I need to be willing to offer it to me. I am tired of how they never are responsible. They should know to handle my needs more than I should. They're supposed to be the one guide me. I am just sick of living in a world of stupid people. I feel like this is never gonna stop, Chico.
F: Stop being negative, sweetheart.
M: I need you to stop trying to console me. And do something about it. You promised to offer me the best of life. And as of now, you are nowhere near to acting on such promises. I love you, Chico. But you are not irreplaceable.
F: Stop putting this all on me. Don't start. You know how you can never control yourself, once you keep doing this, Desirei. Just take a breath, okay?
M: Don't tell me what to do. Stop acting like you know everything about me. You promised me that you would accept everything that I have to offer.
F: I can handle these episodes, Desirei. But I just what you to help me. I cannot handle this with you being so resistant.
M: Know what, just leave me, then. If you cannot handle me, every time I am angry, then you are not the right person for me. I need someone stronger and more understanding. Not someone who pretends to help by just telling me to change my behavior. Like it's the easiest thing to do.
F: Calm down, sweetheart. You are losing it, again.
FRANCISCO
"Let me remind you, how your relationship with Chico has been rocky. And you are all too blame. If you want a better coping mechanism then stop being upset in simple things. Stop expecting him to be perfect. He is only human, too. And he deserves to be heard out. "
My eyes poured some more tears. It already felt sore for expelling too much than it should be. But they were wrong about crying. It never makes me feel anymore less in pain. Instead, it reminds me even more of how cursed my life is. How my failures would be failures even through time. Those hobos try to be positive about problems. Spreading lies to how failure is an ingredient to success. Well, that's a lie to be told by people who are born to be just failures. And I am never going to settle to just that. I grieve, I get miserable because I care for greatness. I owe myself being number one. Not top 2 nor three. Number one. Only if I studied better.
I slammed my fist to my chest, again and again. Oh God, it freaking hurts. I just want this to end. When will I ever be good enough? This makes me so sad. I do not want to be unhappy anymore. I am just tired of it all. I let out a sobbed, too forced that my chest stung. I grabbed my phone in desperation. Elena crossed my mind. Our friendship ended four years now and counting. Yet my problem still longs for her company. Well, she must be more miserable now. A kid and a never-ending hunt for a man to father her child.
"Chico," I sobbed loudly as I hear his breathing from the other line. I have not told him yet. As soon as I found out, I headed straight home and wallowed in my bed. I wanted to tell him, already. But I felt tired. My limbs felt numb yet aches. "Chico, it hurts. It freaking hurts. I just want it to stop, Chico…"
"Desirei…baby? What's going on? I need you to take a deep breath for me. And tell me what happened. I am right here, sweetheart." His voice made me feel less miserable, already.
"Come here, Chico. I need you, I can't do this by myself." he took a long sigh. And a thousand thoughts run in my head already. THIS IS NOT HAPPENING. HE IS NOT CHOOSING SOMETHING LESS IMPORTANT THAN ME.
I NEED HIM.
"Desirei, I have work, tomorrow."
"If you really love me, then you would come here. I should be your priority. Stop making excuses and get over here. Or we are done. You are so unfair, you don't care about me, yet you manage to make it your business to help every single slumdog relative that you have. If it were not for that. You could have saved up for our future, already. Yet there you are stuck with your old ugly house. Will you ever fulfill your promises, or are we running circles here? If you are just lying on my face. Then maybe we should break up. This is your fault for having no ambitions, at all. I told you, helping other people would not get you, anywhere, right?"
"What's wrong with you, again? Did I not tell you Desirei to never put the blame on me. Stop associating one problem with another. It's not gonna help us. "
"Why don't you just answer my question? I'm upset, already. Why do you always do this, Chico? Why can't you ever make me feel better? You are supposed to be the love of my life. I trust you, why are you doing this?" I heard keys jiggle on the other line. And I felt a sense of relief. He is coming to see me. My anger slowly subsides.
"Calm down, okay?" he seemed to be packing some goods in his backpack. "Let's talk later, Desirei. I'll drive over your house. I''' tell your mother, too. I don’t want them to get the wrong impression."
"Well, you don't have to be nervous about it. It's not like you are not going to get me pregnant or something." he giggled, relieved that I have already calmed down. "I love you. Baby chico. Miss you and I can't wait to see you."
THE BABY
"You owe this to yourself you have worked hard to get here. And you have always known that it means having to commit big sacrifices. And having to do things that are frowned upon."
"This is not happening. No freaking way. Wake up, Desirei. This is just one of the bad dreams." I pinched myself. Many times. Hard. Slapped my face. Yet I never wake up. I close my eyes and still open it to see the two red lines that would end my life. There's always a chance for it to be inaccurate. It just happened once, Desirei. You were upset for Olivia beating you in class. You do not deserve to be punished for something you just did to don't go mental.
"Sweetheart, are you okay? What does it say? Open the dear, please." he tried to turn the doorknob. But it was locked from the inside. I unlocked it and let him in. I jumped into his embrace. "Chico, it's positive. This can't be happening to me right now. I am in the middle of law school. This is going to end my career. This is not possible."
"Sweetheart," he tried to console, but he was rendered speechless. "Will try again, okay?"
And so bought one box and tried them all. And results never change. It still says I am pregnant. With the last pregnancy test still having two strips, I felt on my feet. Chico scooted me and brought me to his bed. "Will do this together, okay? I've already saved a few for a start. Everything's going to be fine."
"No, Chico. Nothing in this world will be fine. This will ruin my life. I cannot be having a baby right now. I need to focus. I am halfway done. I am going to be a lawyer, no matter what it takes. And this is not an option." Chico looked at me wearily. He sighed and mended the bed before he placed me comfortably on my side. He was worried about the baby, about 12 weeks now.
"Just rest, okay? Everything's going to be all right. We'll talk to your parents and ---" I shook my head forcibly. There was no way there are ever going to find out. This would be there way out to escape from the expenses. "I'' ll tell my family and I'll talk to your parents, okay? For now, take a rest."
One week after the news, and we never said a word to anyone yet. I threatened him that I would hurt myself if he were to spill it to anyone. And so I went to class as normal as I could be. I am not sure if it a psychological response for me to manifest pregnancy signs, or it's natural.
"Miss Loyola, you seem to be adding some pounds. Good for you, you finally listened to me. We do not want our future lawyers to be unhealthy, right?" Attorney Ubando smiled warmly at me. I mumbled a fake appreciation and went straight to the bathroom. I covered my mouth with my hands. It hurts. I cannot do it, anymore. One more week of this thing inside my belly, and everyone would notice. This baby would mark my end. It would be to great shame. And I would be compared to the lowlife, Elena. I would have no bright future ahead of me. And I would not ever let that come to reality.
…
From the side view, I looked at my bare belly. It is starting to become obvious. I pinch it as hard I could that I cried. I went to call Chico and cried for what I have done.
"Calm down, Desirei. You are going to stress yourself. Not good for you and the baby." my voice was starting to disappear for crying. I smiled and cherish the warmth of his voice. Chico would always be the love of my life. I wiped the tears falling across my cheeks and took a sigh. This was the last stroll of tears that would leave my eyes. I grabbed my journal. The pain for writing such amount of words felt food. I was proud of having express such many words. It made me certain about my decisions. It reminded of how I was apart from the many girls. I exhibit bravery and I would handle it differently from those who shared the same experience.
With a proud smile on my face. I dialed Chico's number. "Call, 911." And I hit the end call button. I dropped the phone to my bed and gathered the knife in my hand.
I am sorry Chico. But this does not get to ruin my life. I hope you would forgive me. I did it for the greater good. I am doing this for us. To be happy. Tears fell from my cheeks but I feel no regret. I sat down to my bedside. I carefully held on it. I waited for some more minutes. I needed to buy time. The paramedics need to get in here on time to ensure that nothing bad happens to me.
Upon hearing the siren from outside, I leaped the knife and stabbed my guts. It roared louder and louder. And I cannot fail. And so I went to stab my stomach some more. Until I could no longer handle some more pain. The knife dropped from my hand. And I held pressure on my abdomen to control the bleeding. I need to survive this. Only I ought to survive this. The voices were disheveled. The last of what I heard before darkness consumed me.
DESIREI
"We would spend the next years, eternity, together."
Francisco had his hands placed gently on his lap. He was trying his best not to cry from this very moment. He does not want to cause any more stress or scene. He does not get to have the spotlight. 'My babies' He thought sadly to himself.
"It's difficult to make a clear diagnosis but based on her writings. Your daughter had BPD, Borderline Personality Disorder. She had an intense emotion and behavior which would manifest to how extreme she handled everything. Worst to Worst. Best to best. Often she finds triggers which she could comprehend as a reason to make her feel abandoned and betrayed. She deals with difficult situations by asking them to leave. Trying to push them away, as hard as she could. And if you did oblige, then she would feel betrayed and abandoned. And if you stayed, she would feel like no is really listening to her. And so dealing with them would have no accurate standards."
Emilia succumbed to tears. Her husband Kelvin pats her back, as his tears fell from his cheeks, as well. He tried to pretend like he was okay. But he was shattered too deep inside. He just needs to be brave for his family.
Francisco let out a sigh. Almost sounding like a wail. It makes sense now. This is why they were always at the edge. She never felt at ease. There was something wrong with her. And she knows is. She just did not the courage to say it out loud.
"There is no definite cause, but studies say it is biological and worsened by emotional trauma. She wrote some fair share of what she had gone through here. You could read these entries yourself to understand her more. She had too much pain within her. She felt bullied, her anger grew deeper and deeper in the course of time. This is what drove her to act stone cold. Even if deep inside she had broken self-esteem and was severely unhappy. She knows that she has it. She mentioned a few lines to which dictate how she wanted to help those with a BPD, as well. She mentioned how she wanted to be their advocate for them, someday. And this is difficult for you to handle, But maybe, this is the least you could, maybe you could continue what she has finished."
"Desirei, did not kill herself" Francisco uttered with so much struggled. "She wanted to get rid of the baby. But I never listened. So she did this. She never wanted to kill herself in the process." His eyes painted with anger and pain. Desirei has always made everything about her. Francisco never misses a single detail to thoughts she had, this was the first. He often heard her say how their baby was going to ruin her, and she was not going to let that happen. But he never imagined she would come to this. He was angry with her. It was the first time to feel betrayed by her. He had always been understanding of her situation. The shrink's diagnosis was not new to him. Desirei suspected it, along time ago. He helped confirmed her suspicions. Every, he lived by the experience of dating a girl with BPD. He tried convincing her several times to see a doctor. But he was never the one to persuade. It has always been what she wants. He follows with blind faith and love. He was willing to do everything for her. He loves her more than anything else in this world. He loves her more than their unborn child. And that makes him feel guilty. If he were to choose who would live, he would always choose Desirei. Life with her was a rollercoaster ride. And now she is gone, he does not what to feel anymore. This is not how they were supposed to end. They break up and makeup. That is it. They never leave each other for good. They love each other too much. But she made a terrible choice, and it caused her life.
Francisco regretted not listening to her complains about her pregnancy. If she knew it would cause her death, then we would have supported her with the decision, even if it means living life with regret, as being an accomplice to murdering his child. But he can never turn back time, now. She only has to continue life to what was left of her, their memories together. He would never wed a woman. Shew would not like him happy with somebody else.
Dear, future self.
By now, you should be at your gray suit attire partnered with your channel stilettos. Your elbow flexed to support the Gucci bag dangling with gold and luxury. None of which would be close proximity would be cheap. And thank your 19-year-old self for that. If it were not for my sacrifices you would not make it that far. You, remember, Danny? Forgive me for even asking he's the scrawny kid in your psych class. The one with acne. Well, guess what, your young self is cooking one of her brilliant plans, again. That freak happened to be the brother of Heinz Cruz. Well, you would not remember him, he's the law student who graduated at the top of his class. The one whose tarpaulin I would replace by beating him to his considerable success. Top 13 in the bar exam? Ew! Wait until it's my time, well it's your time. Top 1 in the bar exam. Well, I am sure you are harvesting the fruit of his hard work. That did not come easy, okay? I had to befriend that ugly duckling just to be you. Well, do me a favor and make those garbage beg. I did not work hard just for them to stay happy. You have the license to ruin their lives. Just like how they tried to ruin yours. Remember how mom warned you to forgive these bullies as someday they would be asking for your help. Well, it's your time to shine. Kneeling and crying would not remedy how they hurt you, how they made fun of you. For not being as pretty as they want you to be. Ruin them like they ruined you for your smug nose (which for sure you already had a nose job on). No matter how they try to know in your doorstep for forgiveness and help, remember you they stepped on you. How they used you to do their home works. Remember how they sabotage you, so you were endorsed as a cheater in high school. You are a lawyer now, Desirei. So make them pay!
Dear Future self!
You have everything beyond your reach. Sure the thought of losing that snake makes you tear up. Makes you feel abandoned and hurt. You trusted that lowlife and look where it got you. You are stupid enough to let her back in your life. After what she did to you. What did I tell you, huh, Desirei? People never change. Once a garbage always a garbage. For Pete's sake, she bullied you. And you managed to cover her bad characters. And what, huh? Your parents never found out who she really was. How she teamed up with those girls in belittling you. How she laugh every time you were scolded by your teachers every time you come late in school or failed to give a right answer. She was one of those people, who have failed you. Now the question lies, would you allow her to keep doing this to you? Or would you woman up in the best you could be. Never feel sorry for losing her. Feel blessed for having to no longer tolerate such lowlife. She has been punished for having such a weak flesh. And you would no longer be stressed about her. So stop crying Desirei. You are journaling to document the journey of your success. Not how such imbeciles can make you cry. Not how you feel so alone and lonely. Never feel this way! Okay?! Just stop! Okay? Just be happy, okay? Stop feeling empty. Just be happy. Just be positive. Just appreciate all the good things you have, okay? Grieve for her and forget she ever existed. Because she abandoned you. And you should stop allowing this to happen to you. The next time a person tries to enter your life permanently. Do yourself a favor, never let person abandon nor betray you, okay? Make them suffer, hurt them, betray them, abandon them. Because this is life, Desirei. Either you kill or get yourself killed.
Dear future self,
By now, you should have been stronger, more immune to what other people have to inflict upon you. Remind yourself to always watch your back. Because at the end of the day. Everyone would leave you. And their departure could either break you or have no effect at all. The ingredient is to never ever feel secure with their presence. They would love you, cherish you, for a time, Then leave you hanging and broken-hearted. That's just them being their traitor self. And my future self that did not come easy for me t realize. Not until now, I feel it an almost single day. I forget the truth, every time, I am happy with Chico. But I've always slapped with the truth of how no one could handle me. Those days are never going to get better, as long as I don't leave. No matter how many times he failed to be my knight in shining armor. Every time, my parents me my distress. And I wonder, too. If Francisco deserves a portion of my blame. It's my parents who have constantly failed me. Who triggered me to feel angry and empty, all the freaking time. Always that I barely felt happy. How could I ever forgive them? Let these grudges go and permit happiness and contentment if they never ask for forgiveness. When will they ever realize that I am miserable because of them? When will they ever see my pain? Well, I am not sure if they ever live long enough to such greatness. Or there's time left. I am few years left waiting to be a lawyer. As soon as I get the title, my bags would be ready and I would never see them, again. I have fulfilled the duty of a good daughter through my excellence. And they have done their part by funding for my education. Although I would not be so thankful for it. It's not like they wanted it for me in the first place. So see future self. Your twenty-three old self deserves a pack in the back. Give her an applaud as she enters her law school. And ignore the fact that her parents were never proud of her. How her parents always accuse her of not being friendly enough, not being humble enough nor respectful enough like those girls who built their standard. They were never once proud of me. Of my greatness. And I feel sorry for such stupidity. I am their champion. I get to make a legacy that no one in our bloodline has done before. As they settle for a humble life. I cannot wait as mother and father utter their forgiveness and affirm how I was right about everything, all along. I cannot finally have no affection for them, at all. That their lack of affection does not harm me anymore. Blood is never thicker than water. It is a man for himself. And this is me fighting and winning the battle by myself.
Dear, future self
By the time, you have everything you have wanted, always remember to cherish baby Chico. By far, he has been the most loyal person you have. He is your person. And he deserves your apology for every single pain you have inflicted upon him. He always stays by your side. And you know that's a big deal because even you feel struggle being with you. Always try to think ahead before you speak. You know how sensitive your baby Chico is. And hope for the best that if you fail to handle it well, he always remains. Because I am not sure if you are a better and more version of me. Well, 2 more years then I shall become you. Well, technically three for the review. But, hey the point is we are so much ahead looking back. And you should be thankful because you manage to spend the journey with someone who supports you. Who volunteered to ease your pain with your disappointment. He is always going to baby you. Nurse your pride, because somebody is actually good enough to beat you in class. He reminds you of how lucky you are. And how you love him so much. Too bad, you forget that truth, every time you fight. Just do not let get the anger get beyond you. Let me remind you, how your relationship with Chico has been rocky. And you are all too blame. If you want a better coping mechanism then stop being upset in simple things. Stop expecting him to be perfect. He is only human, too. And he deserves to be heard out. His words should be rationalized and applied. Stop feeling abandoned, every time you have fights. Sometimes, he just cannot figure you out, fully. He never intends to pain you, okay? If he does something you hate, understand that he did not do it with intention. He gets tired too. And got problems of his own. That should not mean, he is worthless. He is a simple man with a big heart.
Dear, present self
Your future does not seem to be as bright as expected. There is bad news. And this entry is a means to make you feel better and stronger. You have less time left in law school. You are about to become a lawyer. Just like you wanted. And crying and being weak is not part of the process. It should not be, unless you want to end up failures, like your friends. Take a deep breath and get on your feet. You know what to do. Only you know what needs to be done. You love Chico. But he cannot help you now. If you want to restore your chance for success. Then have the guts. You owe this to yourself you have worked hard to get here. And you have always known that it means having to commit big sacrifices. And having to do things that are frowned upon. Stop being weak, please. I know that you do not have the will to get back up again. That you feel that the world has fallen upon your back and you just want to give up. Nothing seems to be going in your way. But there is still time left for you. Do this for your future self.
Dear, Chico
Sorry, Chico. I love you. But I cannot bear your child. Not today. Please, forgive me for doing this. Promise, I would make it up to you. Have more self-control. Promise, after things. I would love you even more Chico. We would spend the next years, eternity, together. I love you. You and my career are all that matter. And I would always choose you both.
Comments
Post a Comment